Desire. Eternity. Tear.

Life teaches you so much at such a 'tender age'. It depends on you now whether or not you learn anything from those experiences. Funny thing is, we think that we have learnt so much and can never be fooled again but we still fall in to the same ditch. Solace and internal peace is so hard to find, to tell you the truth. But more often than not, you feel a spiritual feeling that tells you that everything you are living and breathing in is so temporary and is not going to last. It is beautiful indeed; to think that this world is not going to last. Because it's so full of tragedies, deception and traumas that it hurts to think and desire for immortality.
Eternity can also be beautiful, if it actually promises to keep us happy. But with such a devilish human nature, it's so hard for us humans to be actually happy and solaced. We are restless creatures. We are quarreling over petty issues. Yet we live, we love and we cry.
Crying is also a phenomenon which, in my opinion, helps us 'get over it'.
Once upon a time, it so happened that there was a girl who cried at every little thing. Because she 'felt' so much, you see. She, later on, realized that she needed to feel less. So, with the passage of time, she rarely felt anything at all and her melting heart turned into cold iceberg. She again realized that it was important for her to feel in order to 'let it all out'. So she started feeling again. Now, she felt and thought and got over it. For her experiments, she needed people around her. And they are always available in abundance, as you know. She had now begun to think that she was the most normal person on earth. She indeed was because she rarely got a headache now that had been caused by other people. She left people easily, had no one to stand by her or cry for her; she didn't even feel humiliation, but yet she thought it was normal. It indeed was normal, for her emotional health it was! She knew the meaning of sacrifice and that was all she ever wanted to learn. She liked it. She liked to know so much at such a 'tender age'. She knew the difference between first love and true love. She knew how to swallow her pride and also how to stand up for the right thing. She knew how to be rude and how to be polite. She knew how to be a devil and how to  be an angel at the same time. She liked helping others and laughing when there was no one to help her at her time of need, feeling proud at 'already predicting that'. But she was ashamed. She had confessions to make. She had unfulfilled desires and unexpressed emotions. And this is why she loved staying home alone and crying the pending tears. Remember her in your prayers. She loves you.

Life.

She was upset that day. Very upset. She had been sick. Her appearance was so calm and cool though, that some people doubted if she actually was feeling low, others simply called her a pretender.

People cannot be stopped from assuming whatever they want to. If you are outspoken and blunt (that too being a girl), they have a simple term to refer u with; a bitch. They would call u a bitch, they wouldn't think if they have been acting like one as well. So, there she was. She was not loved by people very much, yet if they needed any assistance, they had only one name in mind; hers. She was different, people might think she had some psychological defect (which she did have, by the way), so she went from being asocial to being totally extrovert to being an introvert back again. She knew the concept of an ideal person, but she was not one herself. She had no friend, to tell you the truth. Although she was, but people did not assume her a loner because they already had a term to refer her with and it is against human nature to challenge one’s previously held beliefs.

In the past, she has had a broken soul. People thought, since she was always lachrymal, that she cannot survive with such a depressed state of mind. Later, she began to get aggressive; aggression, as you know, is pivotal to survival. So, when loneliness and aggression collided, people were bound to call her what she had been called. She never confided in anybody. At first she thought it made her strong and she was done with people. There came a time when she was so strong that her guard was up with her own self, all the time, day and night; days, weeks, months, a whole year went by and she had not cried once! So, it was building up in her for quite some time. Thinking about her agitated emotional state, it was then that she realized that all she wanted at that moment was to cry it all out. She was praying for tears to come now but they weren't coming. It was a conditioning of a whole year after all. She actually began to try out ways that could make her cry. First, she got in to rows and thought humiliation might work. When it didn't, she tried ordinary self-harm techniques (she was not an advocate of suicide or homicide, by the way, because she did not want to leave her parents lament and deal with what she was dealing with now) that would only cause enough pain to bring out the tears but eventually, it failed too. She thought later, how could she be so stupid to think of ways that she had become so used to already. So, she went for out-of-the-box thinking and tried out simple ways that were so popular in making people cry (and that, by the way, people were very proud of too, because it helped them consider themselves fragile and delicate). She began to read stupid love stories and watch movies that exhibited the stories of unfortunate passive individuals with whom life had been unfair, and, surprisingly, this helped her cry! And cry and cry and cry for days and nights…. People were thinking now that she must be going through a rough patch, hence the swollen eyes and all but she was as happy as a baby is when he gets his id satisfied. So, you see, not everything is ever as it seems.

So, now in the day she was funny and cracked hilarious jokes when she was in company but her face told a different story (from the night’s cry and all). People never asked her anything, you see. They already knew (perhaps unconsciously) that they weren't worth being confided in. 

She lived on. She is still living. She is hoping for the best everyday she wakes up. She's confronted with failures and humiliation many a times, but she's living, you know. That is what she is expected to do. That is what she should do, and this is why she is so amazing!

Aleph by Paulo Coelho: Book Review

Ta-da! Another book review is here! (Disclaimer: The following review is the blogger's personal opinion and has nothing to do with whatever any or everyone else thinks about the book).
Okay, before I go on grumbling about the book, I should tell you that Aleph happens to be a very sacred alphabet for people belonging to many faiths in this world including Moslems, Jews and Christians; it is also the first letter of Hebrew and Arabic language. The name of the Creator of the worlds (as believed by the believers of above mentioned religions) also begins with the same letter. Being a Moslem, I (previously unconsciously and now consciously) also feel immense respect for this letter.

So, a few months back, when I heard that Paulo has written a book with this title, I felt an uncanny wish to read it. I kept looking for it whenever I went out and finally found it. I bought my copy and kept it safely because I had my exams going on back then. I couldn't wait to start it and as soon as I got free, I held Aleph in my hands for consecutive 3 days and nights and most unfortunately and unexpectedly, when I was finished with it, I felt utter feelings of disappointment and disgust. I can not explain why but precisely because Coelho, like many other authors, had amalgamated some very pathetic dogmas with sacred doxology. Not only that but also I found it really ridiculous how he utilized the translation of a Quranic verse (without comprehending the context) for supporting his own cerebration. Coelho was the last man on earth I expected to do such a stupid thing but alas! he did.
Apart from utilizing a witch-hunting event from the past as the basis for his story (which does not appear to be a solid basis), the repetition of the Magical Tradition, Traditions of the sun and moon and other myths (which he has already talked about in Brida and has now become a cliche), the character of Hilal was also questionable. Brida and Hilal seemed to have a lot in common, with the exception that Hilal had an exacerbated sense of sensual pleasure. Coelho, however, has shown nudity to be the only matter of interest for Hilal.
Coelho himself shows an air of indifference towards all the sins he did in his past lives (this life, according to him, is his incarnation as a Brazilian writer). The same indifference he showed towards his wife's disappearance in The Zahir. When it didn't and it doesn't matter to him, why care? This is something he has been unable to explain in his stories (even in the author's note at the end).
Well, the fact remains that apart from all the flaws, he does have some highly philosophical sayings in his books, I'd like to share a few of those here with you all (taken from Aleph):
"If we seek something, that same thing is seeking us"
"Anyone who knows God cannot describe Him, anyone who can describe God does not know Him"
"When God spoke to Moses, He said: "I am", so God is, therefore, neither the subject nor the predicate, He's the verb, the action"
"I free myself from hatred through forgiveness and love. I understand that, suffering, when it can not be avoided, is here to help me on my way to glory"

"I forgive the tears I was made to shed
I forgive the pain and the disappointment
I forgive the betrayals and the lies
I forgive the slanders and the intrigues
I forgive the hatred and the persecution
I forgive the blows that hurt me
I forgive the wrecked dreams
I forgive the still-born hopes
I forgive the hostility and jealousy
I forgive the indifference and ill-will
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice
I forgive the anger and the cruelty
I forgive the neglect and the contempt
I forgive the world and all its evils"
"I understand that all roads meet and all rivers flow in to the same sea. That is why, I am, at this moment, an instrument of forgiveness"
"Dreamers cannot be tamed"
"Spiritual growth doesn't always arrive hand-in-hand with wisdom"
"No one wants to think we'll be saying goodbye shortly and promising to meet up again soon, knowing that the purpose of this promise is simply to make parting easier"

Like there are two sides to every coin, like there are good and bad people in this world, like we all have our good and bad days and like all of us have good and bad aspects in our personalities; this book also had some good and bad stuff in it. I tried and shared both with you here, the choice of including it in your library remains yours. Have a good one! :)

Untitled

"So, why did you try to commit suicide"

" because, things weren't exactly working out according to the plan"

"plan of what sort?"

"forget plan, I would rather use the word expectation"

"what were your expectations?"

"I do not see any of your business in knowing that"

"you have been sent here so that I may be able to help you"

"what makes you think I need your help?"

"your suicide attempt apparently supports that notion"

"listen doc., had anyone on this earth would have been able to help me or had there been anyone I considered trustworthy enough to confide the secrets of my soul in, I wouldn't have attempted the suicide in the first place. I wouldn't say that I am ok, and that I don't need help. No, I am not ok and yes, I do need help but I'm simply not available with the kind of circumstances and people I yearn for"

"what kind of circumstances and people do you yearn for?"

"I think you are simply trying to rephrase your last question that I already refused to answer"

"okay, then tell me what do you expect of me? how can I help you?"

"you can help me by only letting me stay in this hospital until I am in my right mind; there's only one thing that I wish to tell you and that is that I do not want to go back home. now.. I know that it might lead you to think that I am in some kind of conflict with the people back home but let me make this very clear to you that such is not the case"

"I see you can predict my thinking patterns"

"that's because I have studied and practiced what you have studied and are now practicing. I know what my problem is, I diagnosed myself earlier with what you have diagnosed me now and I also know the possible medication and therapies that you might suggest for my existing state of mind so I would like to tell you that these healthy talks and sessions with you are nothing new to me and my state of hopelessness is beyond any of your remedial measures"

"hmm... I see. let's meet up again tomorrow."

the girl on the bed was a little taken aback by the last few words of the handsome young doctor who had been sitting beside her for the past 15 minutes, trying to elicit out of her the so called 'secrets of her soul' and the cause for her suicide.

to be continued...